One of the biggest challenges I’ve had since coming back into recovery is finding ways to deal with disagreements or conflicts with others without getting angry or resentful.

In some cases I have been able to avoid what could have become a conflict altogether, but I know that this solution is not always going to be possible.   What I am learning to do is not make a big deal out of or take things too personally when I disagree with someone.

Everyone has different needs and wants and this means that differences of opinions will happen.  What is important is how we react to them.  I try very hard to look at both sides of a disagreement and try to see the other person’s point of view.

I know that a conflict with someone will cause anger – at this stage of my recovery, my emotions tend to be a bit like a roller coaster and I want to see things as black or white, right or wrong which will almost guarantee that if I am not careful about how I react in a situation, I can easily become angry and resentful.  I have to make sure I acknowledge that someone else’s viewpoint might be valid.

I have found that if I stay open-minded, as hard as that might be sometimes, and if I am willing to listen to the other person, I can control my emotions and deal with differences without getting upset (which accomplishes nothing).  It is not healthy for anyone to carry anger and resentments, especially if we want to maintain our serenity and our recovery.

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Everybody needs some self-discipline (whether or not they are in recovery) to succeed in life.  Things that come too easily to us are not as satisfying as those we have to work hard for – that’s human nature.

For me, finding the self-discipline I needed in recovery hasn’t always come easily.  When I was drinking, like most alcoholics and addicts, I craved the instant gratification alcohol gave me – the feeling of courage and relaxation I got once I had that first drink.  I could easily overlook the idea of self-discipline and tell myself that just one would help right now – of course, I could never stop at “just one” drink.  I paid dearly for the lack of self-discipline and the inability to control my cravings – my physical and mental health suffered during that time.

The term self-discipline means different things to different people, but for me it has become a willingness to put limits on my actions, which I know will make life better down the road.  It is delaying that instant gratification I used to need so badly.

One of the benefits I have found from having self-discipline in recovery is that I know I will live up to the commitments I make, both to myself and others.  I take on responsibilities because I know that I will have the discipline to complete them.  I don’t need to be pushed into doing things – I feel more self-motivated.  And, if something goes wrong, I am better prepared to handle failure, because I know I will continue to try.

I know I have the strength to delay gratification because I realize that the worthwhile things in life are also worth waiting for.  I set goals for myself daily or weekly, and I make every effort to achieve them.  As I reach each goal, my self-confidence improves and with it the belief that I can grow and flourish in recovery.  If I take on even the most mundane tasks with the same attitude, I know they will get done.  I stay close to people who not only support my sobriety but have achieved their own goals.

I believe that if I make small sacrifices now and forgo “instant gratification”, the rewards will be there in the future.

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When we come into recovery, we can have a lot of expectations from recovery itself, our own motivations and ability to stay clean and sober, and from the other people in our lives.

Unfortunately, we can set these expectations too high and when they are not fulfilled, we can easily feel sorry for ourselves and even go so far as to use it as an excuse for relapse.

For myself, I have to remember that recovery is a process and it will take time to build a new life.  If I expect this to happen overnight, I know I will be disappointed.  Also, recovery is not easy and if I expect it to be, I am deluding myself and can easily become complacent and lose motivation to continue the fight.

When I first came back into recovery, I was guilty of setting expectations of family and friends too high.  I found myself depending on them to always be there for me, and in the beginning they were.  But as my journey in recovery progresses, I realize that this is not always possible – they have their own lives and priorities.  It is unrealistic to expect them to just drop everything when I need or want to talk or be with them.  I should not be angry when this happens, because resentments as we know are very unhealthy.

The lesson I learned is that everything is not always about me and I can’t control what other people think and do.  I have found that if I keep my expectations of myself, my recovery, and of others reasonable, it is easier for me to see the world around me objectively and not selfishly.

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When I was in treatment last year, the counselors strongly advised that we continue having a structured routine, much like we had in rehab.

I have found that having a routine that is focused on doing positive things has become a valuable asset in my recovery.  My routine gives me a healthy structure for each day and I have time to get everything done without overwhelming myself.

Generally, I allow time for all areas of my recovery – proper meals, walking for exercise, volunteering/working, socializing at 12-step meetings, housework, hobbies and even time for the homework assigned in the course I am completing.

A routine motivates me to accomplish what needs to be done and what I like to do, and makes procrastinating much less likely.  It also ensures that there is very little time for me to be bored –  boredom is one thing that is very dangerous to my sobriety.

Having said all that, I learned recently not to be so stuck in routine that I won’t allow new challenges into my life.  Some “routines” become habits that are very hard to shake.  Last week, the cable TV where I live went out.  I soon discovered that my habit of knitting and watching TV were so strongly tied together (habit) that since losing the cable, I had not picked up my knitting needles!  I found humour in this but I also realized that while routine is good, having a habit that seems unbreakable may not be healthy.  I am still working on this – learning new habits and making changes to my routine has been difficult, but I am glad to say I am having some success in breaking old habits.

My life was extremely unmanageable before I went into treatment, but today I have structure and routine that gives me a positive outlook on life and good health – physical, emotional and spiritual.

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We have all had to deal with at least one “negative” person in our lives.  The constantly negative person can be one of the biggest threats to our own recovery.

I personally know a few people who are very pessimistic and cynical and they can drain our serenity and sense of well-being very quickly if we allow them to have that power over us.

It is particularly difficult if the negative person happens to be a close family member or friend.  Negative people tend to think the worst about almost everything, and they either distrust or blame others for every bad thing that happens to them.  These individuals can easily make situations they talk about seem much more dire than they really are – making mountains out of molehills as the saying goes.  Their thinking is skewed – “black and white”, great or horrible (usually mostly horrible).

From my own experience I find people who look at life like this are emotionally draining, but when I was drinking, I could easily feed into it – I would find myself getting as depressed or angry as them, which was a great excuse to have another drink.

Now, in recovery, I realize the danger involved in allowing these type of people into my head.  Bolstered with what I have learned through the 12-step program, I know that the world is not all good or all bad, so I am able to separate myself mentally if not physically from their negativity, and I don’t join in.  I try to be compassionate and understanding – their view of the world comes from their own unhappiness and certainly can’t be taken as fact.

While it is not always possible to stay away from negative people, we can deal with them without threatening our own sobriety and serenity.

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