Relapse is more than just using alcohol or drugs. It is the progressive process of becoming so dysfunctional in recovery that self-medication with alcohol or drugs seems like a reasonable choice.

The relapse process is a lot like going a little insane. The first thoughts that were not ok yesterday are ok today.  I tell a lie about something and I feel smart about getting away with it.  I stroke my Ego and tell myself how cool I am.  I look at some porno on my computer and self-pleasure around it.   Then I suppress the guilt and bury it deep inside where it will surface and return to bite me when I am feeling down.   I start putting off paying that bill, I leave the unwashed dishes in the sink, and I wear the same clothes as yesterday and don’t take a shower.  The sequence of problems that lead from stable sobriety to relapse are similar to negative behaviours. There are two differences. First, each negative behaviour  (i.e. each problem unsolved brings us closer to substance use) gets a little bigger and heavier until it over-whelms us and we lose our faith in recovery and begin thinking “what’s this all for anyway” and apathy sets in.  I allow myself to become bored and I stop doing the do things, I don’t call a friend or my sponsor. I lay around feeling sorry for my-self.

So here we are moving along in recovery and we begin to allow ourselves to go out of control and we develop the devil may care attitude and anything can and will happen. So now we need to make the pain go away and we reach for old reliable – the magical substances that always helped us out with pain and confusion in the past. We’ve now started drinking and drugging just a little, our denial helps us out here.

The answer to avoiding relapse is not to take up becoming superman or superwoman.  Part of the answer is to learn self-awareness.  To watch for the change in attitude and behaviour.  To keep doing the do things, clean where you live, keep you and your clothes clean.  Pay attention to boredom.  Step out of it when it happens.  Look for some volunteering  to fill in your time when you are job hunting   Another part of the answer is to develop an emergency plan for stopping the chain reaction quickly, before you lose control and everything  becomes unmanageable.  Then if it does get on the phone and talk it out and back into your recovery.  Relapse behaviour is just a problem to be solved.

In looking back over the past year, I have come to realize that while there are temptations and triggers out there, I really don’t want to go back to my life before sobriety.

The emotional roller-coaster I live on back then was unhealthy – one day I was happy, the next I wanted to die or at the very least disappear from the planet.  Now, my life is much more serene.  I’m happy most days which improves not only my self-esteem but my physical health as well.

When I’m alone now, I don’t feel lonely because I know I have friends and family to talk to, or 12-step meetings I can attend if being alone gets to be too much.

Starting over with virtually nothing has not been easy.  I admit there have been times when I have questioned whether it is all worth it, but then I think back to where I was a year ago – unhealthy in mind, body and spirit.  I still don’t have a lot of money or possessions but what I do have has made me richer than ever.

We often make ourselves miserable in our search for happiness.  We may feel that we are missing out on something or that the next “big” thing is right around the corner.

We tend to have a sense of urgency because we think we are running out of time and that we should be doing something greater – otherwise, we are failures.

If we focus on what we don’t have, we will likely have a miserable existence – we forget to focus on “now”.  As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

Whenever you feel yourself losing focus and worrying about where you’ll be happy next, or when, it is important to bring yourself back to the present and look at what you have today.

We must always remember that happiness is a state of mind – all we have is right now.  We can’t live in the past or worry about the future.  We must learn to take each day as it comes.  Thinking that “the grass is greener on the other side” doesn’t get us anywhere because it never really is.

One of the biggest issues I have had to overcome in recovery is fear.  I know that fear – particularly fear of change and an unknown future, would keep me trapped in my active alcoholism.  Being “under the influence” was a familiar and comfortable place.  A lot of my fears were based on what I knew would be challenges ahead – and I would have to face them without a crutch.

I also had a lot of fear around recovery itself.  Would it be boring?  Would I fail in my attempt to stay sober?  Would success in recovery mean that others’ expectations of me would be more than I could handle?

I knew that if I allowed fear to get the best of me, the decisions I made going forward would be faulty at best, and more than likely would be based on what I thought others would consider acceptable.

It was important for me to face each fear as it arose and make an effort to overcome it using the tools I had been given in treatment.  If I gave in to fear, I would be unable to create the life I wanted for myself in recovery.  If I avoided issues instead of facing my fear, they would only become that much bigger.

I have found that writing my fears down has helped me put them in perspective.  It has also been beneficial to talk about my worries with those who support my recovery.  I am trying to deal with life as it comes, without overwhelming myself or projecting into the future.  In this way, I have been able to move forward in my recovery with less stress and much more serenity.

 

Trying to please other people has been a weakness I have grappled with my whole life.  I always felt that if I wanted to keep peace with others and be accepted, I had to go along with others’ wants whether or not I agreed with them.

I have learned (the hard way) that by always going along with other people, I was losing myself.  My self-esteem would never improve if I didn’t learn to set boundaries.

I realize now that there is a huge difference between doing something out of goodwill or simply good intentions, and doing something just to make someone else happy.

Now, as part of my journey in recovery, I work very hard to set boundaries for myself, which for me is the first step towards freedom from people pleasing.

I am no longer afraid of being rejected if I express myself honestly to get my own needs met.  And I don’t think of it as being selfish, either.

Being a people-pleaser can make us vulnerable – a target for those who want to control our lives.  On the other hand, by setting boundaries for myself, I am increasing my own self-esteem and becoming more positive and happy in my life and my recovery.

SC